


An Existence of Neither Darkness or Light

by stillskies



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Second person POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-01-12
Updated: 2009-01-12
Packaged: 2017-10-17 11:15:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/176278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stillskies/pseuds/stillskies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Master Ansem finds him, it is already too late. [Post-BBS; some minor spoilers for series]</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Existence of Neither Darkness or Light

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [](http://iambickilometer.livejournal.com/profile)[**iambickilometer**](http://iambickilometer.livejournal.com/) for the weekly challenge at Paradox Fantasy.
> 
> This is written is **second person pov**. If that is not your cup of tea, feel free to skip.
> 
>  _Originally posted to Paradox Fantasy on 01/12/2009_

You open your eyes to the harsh glare of the sun. There is someone beside you speaking in low tones, but you cannot make out the words. You squint your eyes and try to turn on your side, but pain spikes through your body, wrenching a wordless cry from your lips.

The murmuring becomes a steady cacophony of background noise, and it seems as though the words are a staccato to the throbbing in your side. After a moment, however, the ache begins to ebb, and you can breathe again.

 _Are you all right?_

You nod slowly, sitting up, bracing for the pain to return.

 _The pain is gone,_ the voice informs you. _It is a low-level Cura spell, but it will suffice until we are able to provide you with proper medical attention._

You are able to see the person – a man, well into his forties – now. The man is looking at you with concerned eyes, but otherwise makes no move to help you.

 _We will take you to town,_ the man is informing you, his voice softer. _Ienzo, Aeleus._

Suddenly, there are two other men before you. You cannot make out their features in the glare of the light, so you close your eyes and wait.

+++

You open your eyes and find yourself in a dimly lit room. The door is cracked open, a shaft of fluorescent light illuminating an empty chair and a blank wall.

Slowly, carefully, you push yourself up into a sitting position. The sheets fall away from your chest, revealing pristine white bandages dotted with red – blood. Your body is stiff, and your shoulder is horribly bruised, but you find that you feel much better than you must look.

 _You are awake,_ a voice says, and the fluorescent light from the hallway floods the room. You shield your eyes quickly, and the voice chuckles. The light is suddenly gone, leaving only the waning moonlight streaming in from the window. The man takes a seat in the empty chair near your bed. _How do you feel?_

 _Stiff,_ you reply, and your voice comes out as a weak croak. You have the impression that your voice is more powerful, stronger, and you frown.

 _Don’t worry,_ the man says. _You’ve been asleep for a few days; it’s only natural that your voice is rusty. It will come back in time._ He holds out a glass of water, which you take.

The water is cold, and you become aware of just how thirsty you are as you drain the glass. When it is empty, you place it on the table near your bed.

 _I see he is awake,_ another voice says from the door, and you recognize the man as the one who saved you.

The man sitting beside you stands, nodding. _Yes, Master Ansem. I was about to get you._

Ansem smiles. _Do not worry, Even,_ he says. _If you would, please ask Aeleus to make our guest some soup._

Even bows and leaves. Ansem takes the vacant chair and looks at you.

 _Who are you?_ you ask.

Ansem looks at you with bright eyes. _I am called Ansem the Wise,_ he says.

 _Ansem… the Wise._ The name strikes a chord somewhere, but the memory floats from your grasp.

 _Yes,_ Ansem says. _That was one of my assistants, Even._

 _Where am I?_

 _You are in Radiant Garden._

 _I… don’t know it,_ you confess. _My mind is muddled._

 _What do you remember?_ Ansem asks you curiously.

You think a moment. You remember bits and pieces from your rescue – you remember seeing Ansem, and you remember the names of the men who must have brought you here – but before that, there is nothing.

A name flashes in your mind.

 _Xehanort,_ you answer quietly.

Ansem does not frown; he smiles. _Is that your name?_

You want to say you do not remember, but there is something about the name that makes you uneasy, so you reply, _Yes._

+++

It takes two months for you to recover completely, even with the aid of spells. It does not seem as though there is a way to retrieve your forgotten memories, so you tell Ansem that it does not matter, that you do not need to know your past – you will forge your own future.

His assistants stop by your room to chat and check on your recovery, and it is Ienzo who suggests speaking to Ansem to become an assistant.

 _You seem to grasp the basics,_ he tells you after explaining one of the ongoing experiments. _And it isn’t as though you have anywhere to go once you recover._

He has a point, and when you approach Ansem about the possibility, he is amenable to the idea.

+++

It is two years after you have become his apprentice that the experiments begin. Ansem is curious to discover the link between the heart and the darkness, and you are quick to volunteer yourself as a test subject. Ansem has concerns – there are so many risks inherent to experimenting with the heart – but agrees.

He is unwilling to take the experiments beyond the superficial, however, and as you find yourself with more questions, you have the insatiable urge to provide yourself with the answers, even if Ansem is not.

You bring up the concern to the others, and Ienzo informs you that there are ways to continue the experiments, take them a step further. You already know this, but you do not desire to push them away – after all, they could prove useful to you in the future.

You explain to them that you think there is more to be learned than just ways to dissipate the darkness. _Darkness,_ you tell them, _cannot exist without the light, but can the light exist without the dark?_

Ienzo does not know. Even and Braig are intrigued, but Aeleus and Dilan are wary.

 _The experiments you speak of would need specimens,_ Dilan ventures. _Do you expect us to sacrifice ourselves for this pursuit of knowledge?_

You shake your head and smile. _Look around, Dilan,_ you say, pointing out the window. Radiant Garden is laid before you, peaceful. _We’ve several subjects just waiting to be found._

+++

The experiments lead to nothing but failures. Despite all of your research, you have yet to find a way to stabilize the heart. There must be a way, you know, but the room you have set aside for the failures is beginning to fill and soon you’ll need another one.

The heart of Braig’s specimen collapses, and you sigh in frustration. _Let’s take it to the room,_ you tell him, and he nods.

Once you reach the room, Braig opens the door, and you begin to drag the failure in.

That is when you notice it.

There is no light in the room anymore, not even the light from the corridor can permeate the shadows that are in it. You drop the experiment, and its head thuds to the floor; you pay no attention.

 _Braig,_ you say. _Shut the door._

Braig looks at you questioningly, but obeys, shutting you inside.

Your eyes adjust quickly to the dark, and soon you begin to make out shapes.

You smile.

+++

There is no way to communicate with the Heartless – named such as that is what they are: beings without a heart.

You have begun a new experiment, and it seems to be proving fruitful.

 **The Heartless appear in groups, and are multiplying rapidly.** You have been keeping notes on your research, and you have taken your Master’s name. There is something familiar about it – taking the name of another – but you do not have time to dwell on it. **I’ve provided them both living and nonliving samples. They’ve responded only to the living. They seem to multiply after absorbing something from the living creatures. Their prey vanishes without a trace.**

 **I believe the Heartless are taking hearts. They are born from those who’ve lost their hearts, and thrive on hearts seized from others. The hearts taken by the Heartless become Heartless themselves.**

 **Though I lack proof, I am confident in this hypothesis. I must also study their behavioral principles. Though they lack emotions, they do seem to have some intelligence. How to communicate with them?**

It bothers you, however. Even has posed the question to you many times already: how did they come to be?

 _All that was in that room were our failures, Xehanort,_ Even has said. _Failures who could not handle the darkness in their hearts once it grew?_

 **It’s just occurred to me: Could they be the darkness in people’s hearts?**

+++

 _There has to be a way to study them,_ you say.

 _Perhaps if you do it one at a time?_ Aeleus suggests. _It is not as if there is an end to them._

You agree. You return to the room and pick a specimen. There are some larger Heartless now, and you can feel their eyes on you. So far, they have not responded to you directly. The others cannot enter this room; Ienzo has tried, and the Heartless promptly descended upon him. You had to step in to save him, and now you are the only one who can come into contact with them.

You coax a small one out, marveling at its form in the light. It is small, almost bug-like, with two antennae on top of its head.

The intent is to study their behavior, so you step back and watch. The Heartless stands still for a moment, then its antennae wiggle, and it darts off.

You follow behind it, keeping your distance, but not letting it from your sight.

It is leading you to an unused portion of the castle, deeper and deeper into the darkness. You briefly wonder if, perhaps, it does not like the light and is merely seeking a way to escape it, but then it veers sharply toward the right and slips between the cracks of a door that you have never seen before.

The door is pure white with a large keyhole. The mere build of the door is not in line with the design of the castle, so you are left to assume that it does not belong here.

You spare a moment to wonder if the Heartless summoned it, but quickly dismiss the idea.

You step closer to the door and examine it. Something tells you that the door is unlocked, and you place your hand on the doorknob. It is warm to the touch; you had expected it to be cool.

Slowly, you turn the knob and open the door. On the other side is a miasma – pure energy and pinpricks of light. The Heartless is nowhere to be seen. The energy from the other side flows against you.

Power.

Pure power.

Quickly, you close the door and rush to the lab to tell the others of your discovery.

Later that night, there is a meteor shower. It puzzles you – there was no sign of such an occurrence before.

You can see the people of this world staring in wonder from their windows as you, Ienzo, Even, Aeleus, Braig, and Dilan collect samples from the meteor shower.

As you pick up the rocks and feel their consistency, you wonder if this is because of the door.

+++

Ansem halts experimentation on the heart in favor of discovering the origin of the materials that you and the others have collected.

They are like rubber, and are quick to meld together when placed into contact with each other.

There isn’t much that you can deduce from these rocks, but you are convinced that this has something to do with the door and the Heartless.

If only you had the proof.

+++

It is a risky endeavor, but one you are willing to take. Braig has helped build the device, and all that you have to do is input the data from your experimentations and the discoveries the others have made from their own research.

 _Do you think it will work?_ Dilan asks.

 _I don’t know,_ you reply, typing in formulae and hypotheses and calculations. _If it does, then perhaps we’ll be one step closer._

Dilan nods.

You are ready for the trial run, and you ask Dilan to gather the others.

They appear quickly.

You take a deep breath, and begin the sequence.

Light gathers on the platform, and soon a Heartless appears.

You look at the others and grin.

It is a success.

+++

Another heart collapses, and you sigh in disappointment. The subjects appear to be lasting less and less, and you have not seen anything larger than a Shadow appear in some time. It is likely that this one will end up quickly disposed of. Ienzo is taking the failed experiment to the dungeon, and you focus your attention on the next subject.

 _Please,_ she whimpers. _Please don’t do this._ There are tears streaming down her face, but you know that what she sees is not you – it’s the visions that you have planted in her mind.

You check the monitor next to her gurney and see that her heart is nearly overcome with shadow. A few minutes later, her shrill scream echoes throughout the room, and her heart collapses.

Putting your clipboard on the table, you pinch the bridge of your nose. _There has to be something we’re missing._

 _Another test run under Master Ansem’s supervision, then?_ Aeleus suggests. _Dilan or I can be present to take notes._

You stand. _I’ll ask for permission to begin it,_ you say.

There is someone in the study with Ansem, and you stop for a moment to listen.

 _The Keyblade?_ Ansem is asking.

 _Yes. It is a mysterious weapon,_ another voice is saying. _It is said that its wielder will either save the world or bring chaos unto it._

There is more to the legend, and you listen intently. You learn about the Keyblade, and Gummi Blocks, and the Princesses of Heart.

You learn that the Keyblade’s chosen one can seal the door to the heart of a world, making it nigh impossible for it to be breached again.

Ansem is explaining his experiments, and you want to burst in, tell him to be quiet; somehow, you know that this person from another world will not approve of such endeavors.

 _It’s unethical,_ the voice is saying, vehemently. _You have no idea what you’re playing with, and now all of the worlds have become unstable._

 _I did not mean for this to happen,_ you hear Ansem say quietly. _I merely wished to discover a way to keep this world peaceful._

There is a lull in the conversation, and you take the opportunity to enter.

 _Master,_ you begin. _I would like to begin a new experiment, if you would allow it._

Ansem stares at him and shakes his head. _No. There will be no more experiments._

 _But, Master,_ you try.

He stands and glares at you. _There will be no more experiments into this,_ he says forcefully. _If you would tell the others to abandon their projects and forget all of what you have learned._

You ball your fists at your side and bow. _Of course, Master._ You turn and leave.

+++

It is harder to continue your research now that Ansem has decided he wants nothing to do with it. You are in too deep, as are the others. There is no turning back.

 _If he discovers what we are doing,_ Ienzo says, _it will become impossible to continue._

 _We will have to be careful,_ Even agrees.

You nod. You will not give up your research.

 _Or,_ you say quietly, _we can get rid of Master Ansem._

+++

It is no easy feat to dispose of Ansem. He is far more skilled at magic than any of you, and he does not go quietly.

They have to work together in order to banish him, and you notice the despair in Ansem’s eyes as he stares at the ones he trusted above all staring back at him coldly. It makes you smile.

You have only a miniscule grasp of the power the Heartless control, but, combined with Ienzo’s abilities, you are able to summon a portal.

Even and Aeleus push Ansem through, and he is gone.

Ienzo collapses from the exertion, and you are also on the verge of passing out.

It is then that you realize that, if you are to continue with this research, you must be able to control the darkness effortlessly.

You look around you, at the people whom have banded with you, and you decide, for their sakes and your own, for your research, that you must give yourself to darkness.

+++

There are preparations to be made before you can fully realize your potential. The wielder of the Keyblade must be found, as well as the Princesses of Heart.

 **Supposing that there is a close relationship between the Princesses and the Keyblade, it seems likely that they will resonate with each other...**

 **I have chosen a special girl. I do not know if she possesses the power of the Princesses, but there is a chance, and this is an experiment. She may lead me to the place where the one holding the key is...**

 **I shall send her off to the ocean of other worlds.**

It is risky, and the girl’s grandmother must be dealt with in order to accomplish this goal, but Aeleus has the woman’s trust, and Braig insists that the disposal will be easy.

You will leave it to them to get rid of the woman while you and Even work on a way to destroy Kairi’s memories of this place, of this life.

She will need no ties once she is gone; she will only need to find the one who could possibly stop them.

+++

It is raining the night you become a Heartless. There is no other way that you can see to wield the power of Darkness, to control the Heartless, to allow what you have worked on so hard for years to come to a head.

So you shed your body without regret and stare at the world with new eyes.

You abandon the name ‘Xehanort’ and become ‘Ansem.’

The others stare at you in awe, and you let them.

 _You are different from the others,_ Even says after a moment. _There is no drastic change to your form other than the color of your skin and your eyes._

You take note of this.

 _Will you join me, my friends?_ you ask. _As you are, you are of no use to me._

They nod, and, one by one, they allow themselves to be consumed by the darkness.

First Braig, then Dilan, Even, Aeleus, Ienzo.

They give up their forms to follow you, and you wait for their rebirth.

But the Heartless that appear are not like you, and you realize that they did not have the strength of heart to retain their wills.

You look upon them in disgust, but, even as they are, they can be useful to you.

You lead them to the door and allow them to consume the heart of this world known as Radiant Garden.


End file.
